I'm a redhead!

I decided I needed something drastic and different... I think I've accomplished that... I love my new hair! ;o)

I'm okay...

It was a long weekend, in a sense. Saturday night was rough, but I got through it. We had a good talk and I can say I'm a little more at peace with our situation. I left for Dinseyland on Sunday with some friends and he was still there. We said our goodbye's, we hugged, I cried, we kissed... And I left in tears of course. But I'm okay. I'll be okay. I just want to move on from here. Which ever direction that may be, I don't know, nor does he. We're just going to go about our days and see what happens. Yeah, it's going to be rough for a long while... And I'm sure I've got a lot of tears left to cry - that's just the way I am. But I'll live.

I've been writing a lot lately. I've got a notebook that I'm keeping... sort of as a way to get things off my chest.... It's all kind of directed as letters to him. Maybe one day he'll get to read them, who knows.... But for now, it's just a way of me getting things off my chest and coming to terms with myself. Sort of a therapy. And it seems to help a bit.

Shitty weekend

I just know that this is going to be one of the worst weekends ever! He's moving out on Sunday... I'm not going to be here when it happens. I just can't handle that. But I know too that I'm going to be coming home and he's not going to be there.... And never will be again. It just breaks my heart...

It's different knowing that he won't be coming home on the weekends or random nights... Even though he's been in a different room for the last month, at least I knew he was still here.... To know that this is really happening and he really is leaving.... it just hurts so much.

I guess I just wonder where this leads us to now... Will we ever see eachother? Will he come hang out with me? Will he call me sometimes just to say hey and see how I'm doing? Will he miss me? Will he feel like he did the right thing?

I just don't know how much I can take... He talks about this all like it's no big deal, but I wonder what he's feeling inside... Last night he said he was trying to figure out what he can and can't talk about without making me upset.... At this point, its all I can do to not break down just at the sound of his voice. And then he hugs me this morning as he left for work... it was all I could do not to start crying on his shoulder right there...

I know it'll get easier with time, and I'm sure it'll be easier for me to let go now that he won't be in the house with me.... But I still don't want to let go, even though I just have this gut wrenching feeling that this is the end. Maybe it's not, I don't know... but the pesimist in me is shining through.

I've been a bad blogger

It's been a long week, and I kept meaning to sit down and blog, but for the life of me, I just couldn't find anything to talk about... There's just not much new with me...

Last weekend I bought a webcam and I've been using it just about every night hanging out with some friends on the east coast. Kinda silly, but it's neat to be able to see the people you chat with.

I was sleeping pretty well the first half of the week.... But Wednesday rolled around and so did the insomnia. I'm working on 4 hours of sleep today, but surprisingly, I'm doing pretty good.

I've got an appointment to go get my hair done tomorrow. I really want to do something different and outrageous, but don't want to go super short, so that doesn't really leave me many options. I might just have her cut it into the A-Line like she's been doing and then go crazy with some color... Of course, it never comes out how I want and it takes me a while to get used to it.... I really need to find a stylist closer to home that doesnt cost an arm and leg...

Sunday I'm meeting up with some friends for lunch and then we're going to go over to Disneyland and hit a couple rides... I'm looking forward to getting out of the house. Especially since D might be moving out that day. I don't think I could bear to be there, watching him load everything up into his friend's trailer and then drive off.... Wow, that makes me cry just thinking about it. Yeah, I can't be there for that.

I've got an appointment on Tuesday for the house to be appraised. I'm refinancing the house to get a lower payment, something that won't be so overwhelming with only my income. Hopefully that'll allow me to stay in the house a while longer until I figure out what I'm really doing. I'm kinda between a rock and a hard spot.... I can sell the house and get an apartment, but then I'd have to find homes for the dogs and I can't bear to lose them. Or I can keep the house and just live super tight... I don't know what to do really. So I'm just going to wait it out and see what happens.

Okay, it's almost time for me to get out of here. I can't wait to go home, soak in a hot bubble bath and sip on some martinis.... Have a great weekend everyone :o)

Random thoughts for a Friday

Just some random stuff that's on my mind this morning... My mind goes kinda crazy in millions of directions when I'm getting ready in the morning and driving to work... Does that happen to you?

*I can listen to a dozen songs, all different genres, different everything... but they all seem to relate to me in one way or another... Make me stop and think, feel sorry for myself, cry, realize what's going on, what I've done, where I've been, and where I'm headed...

*I'm loving Starbucks Tazo tea right now... But why on earth would you fill it to the brim? I get in the car and spill it all over myself and my car! Hello??

*Do you ever wish you could turn back the hands of time... go back to a certain point in your life and figure out what you were doing at that point in your life... and wonder why things are so different now? I know that people change over time and that circumnstances either make or break us, but sometimes I just wish I could figure out who I was then.... and why I was so happy then... and what got me to the point I'm at now....

*I can't wait till my medical kicks in at this new job so I can go back on BC... I hate being a girl! I really do.... I can't take the torture we are forced to endure....

*I'm scared of what my future holds... I was asked a question the other day - "where do you see yourself in 10 years?" and honestly.... I can't even figure out where I'm gonna be in a month - how am I to know what my life is gonna look like 10 years from now?! I can say that 6 years ago, I never would have guessed I'd be where I'm at today... so how can I honestly guess what it's gonna look like in 10 years.

*I love long weekends... I just wish that they were even longer... Sometimes I feel like I live for the weekend now... maybe it's just because I'm not busy enough at work, who knows.... Maybe it's because I know that I'll get to see D on the weekend.... Yeah, maybe that's it.

*Sometimes I feel like disappearing into thin air.... Just to get away.... I feel trapped, stuck with all these responsibilities and being on my own.... feel sort of stuck.... It's really kinda lame. I'd love to be able to just get away for a while, not have to deal with things, take a mental vacation....

*I'm not sleeping again.... Going to bed at 10 and tossing and turning all night. Waking up every hour.... Then the dogs wake me at 6 because they're used to getting up with D and being fed... Well, he's not there, so they wake me up for breakfast and I can't get them to lay back down. I love them but they're really driving me crazy. I couldn't bear to get rid of them though, especially now that I'm alone, I'd be terrified even more of being alone at night....

*We go get our taxes done this Sunday.... whoopie! Good thing is that we should be getting a nice refund (I love owning a house!) and will be able to pay most of our credit card off.... One less thing for me to stress over, money wise....

*I'm so loving my video iPod! I originally bought a mini about a year ago, but constantly had issues with it and it just didn't have enough room to store all of the music I wanted.... So when I was thinking of getting a new one, I honestly had no idea that I would ever use the video option that the new full sized iPods come with... but it's really so cool! I'm loving downloading music videos.... because when I'm bored or stuck somewhere, I can totally watch my iPod, sooo cool! And, there's 60gigs, so I have tons of room for my music and videos!

Okay, that's enough for now, although I'm sure there's lots more I could come up with... Don't want to scare you off ;o)

Hugs!

I cried tonight...

I let myself cry... not just a little bit.... I'm talking full fledged hyperventalating, painful, deep sobbing, crying so much that it hurts to breath.... I'm tired of putting on a happy face and saying that things are gonna be okay.... I just want to hurt for a while. I want to be mad at myself, hate myself for everything that's happened, for being the way that I am, for being so mean and uncontrollable and unloving towards a man that just wanted to love me and be loved back... I have a terrible way of showing my appreciation. And for that, I've lost the one person I've always thought would be there.... And I hate myself for that. I need to deal with this, and the only way I know how.... is to cry. I wish I could say I feel better, but I don't. I think I've got a lot of crying left to do.

Happy Weekend!

I went over to Lindi's last night and hung out. We went and grabbed some dinner at Pick up Stix, my favorite! Then we rented Just Like Heaven and watched that... so good! She has the cutest 4 kids (I'm including her dh in on tha one, lol!) and they were all super sweet. Her kids were very wild because of the new person in their house, so they talked my ear off and wanted to show me all of their toys, but I didn't mind at all!

We also got to play with our cameras and Lindi showed me how to use the P setting (omg, I'm getting into the manual mode!). Of course, we got some silly pictures of us.... Here's one of them. Oh, and a picture of my left-overs, which of course I had for breakfast this morning (love chinese for breakfast, I'm a wierdo!)



Today I've got to take Rusty and Lady to the groomers... both are so overdue for haircuts... Then I'm driving down to D's shop to get the car serviced. And I've got plenty to be doing around the house... laundry mostly, but basic cleaning too. But here I sit at 9:20 am in bed with the laptop, just chatting away...

Have a great weekend everyone!

Here we go again!

I'm having way too much fun with these... Can you tell I'm bored? Some of them are right on, others not so much.... But they're still fun ;o)

Your Heart Is Pink

In relationships, you like to play innocent - even though you aren't.Each time you fall in love, it's like falling for the first time. Your flirting style: Coy Your lucky first date: Picnic in the park Your dream lover: Is both caring and dominant What you bring to relationships: Romance

What Color Heart Do You Have?

More fun stuff!

Here's another cute little test I found via Jaime's blog... Be sure to check out some of the other tests they have on their website too!

Your Mood Ring is Light Blue

Emotions mixed Unsettled Cool

Mood Ring Generator

I can definitely say that this is me tonight.... :o)

What are you?

What kind of Ben and Jerry's ice cream are you?? This reminds me... I might need to stop at the market on the way home ;o)

You Are Chocolate Fudge Brownie Ice Cream

You just don't know when you've had enough (or too much)!

What Flavor Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Are You?

Something else...

One more thing... I was browsing through the layout gallery at SJ this morning and came across a page that struck me to the core.... It's by Maureen Spell and the poem on here hit me pretty hard with all that's going on, so I wanted to share it with you... Here's the layout and the journaling is as follows...

When molehills become mountains
You think you cannot climb,
Remember Everest was conquered
One step at a time.
If you keep your sense of humor,
You can endure the pain,
And when you reach the summit,
Your losses will be gains.
You can linger at the bottom
With multitudes of men,
But you may stay there forever
And wonder what might have been.
Life always offers choices
When troubles come our way,
And molehills become mountains
That will not pass away.
Each time our faith is tested
By mountains we must climb,
Our mountains become molehills
One step at a time.
~Clay Harrison

Thanks for this inspiring page Maureen.... I have a feeling I'll be referring back to this poem quite often, and I'll probably get a page done with it as well...

It's Monday... again....

I don't like Mondays so much.... Fridays are much better, in my opinion.... they'd be even nicer if the weekends lasted longer than 2 days.

I spent Saturday night at my mom's house. We went to dinner with my brother and his fiance to a little chinese place in San Diego.... they had the most delicious pungeont chicken (kinda like orange chicken) and sweet and sour shrimp (huge!). It was all so good and I managed to keep it down, yay for me! The first real meal I've actually had in a week and a half.

I think I slept wrong Saturday night though, b/c I woke up with the stiffest neck ever! Couldn't hardly turn to the right at all.... as the day wore on, it seemed to get a little better, but when I woke up this morning and tried to sit up, my neck made this loud, nasty, painful pop and I couldn't move for a minute.... so scary! Now I definitely can't move to the right at all. Why does stuff like this happen when you don't have medical insurance??? I tried to massage it in the shower, but it was oh so painful that I just wanted to cry. I'm hoping it will get better b/c I can't afford to go to the dr. uninsured....

Not doing so well...

D and I are seperating. It's a long story and all I can say is that I'm still in a state of shock, my heart hurts, and I've been so sick the last couple of days because of the stress. It's been pretty rough. He's staying in the house until we both get on our feet financially and he finds a studio down in San Diego, closer to work. It's gonna take some time, but eventually I'll be okay. I've got a lot of love and support, a lot of people in my corner of the ring. You all know who you are, and I love you dearly, more than you'll ever understand.

Love you all ;o)
Jes